Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
