everyone is single if you try hard enough
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
