I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
