He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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