he was CRYING into my vagina
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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