I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
you inspire me to be a worse person
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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