All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
