normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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