I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
