you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
