I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
