I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
