You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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