The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
