Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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