Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Randomize
