Just fell off a train. Bad.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
4 words: hood of his car
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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