My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
