he told me I talked like a deaf person
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
