I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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