totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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