We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
