Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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