Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
