the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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