if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Someone came in the potted fern
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
