Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
