I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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