His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
