saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
