There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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