last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
