dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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