what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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