I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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