I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
