My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
