well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
