I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
