I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Naked Twister starts at high noon
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
