meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
