sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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