my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
