well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
