First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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