How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
