i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
