Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
