I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
