turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
