Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
