Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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