i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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