she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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