Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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