im six kinds of drunk right now
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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