1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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