I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
