So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Dicks are not precious.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
