shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
