if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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