pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
