my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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