Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I didn't notice because vodka
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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